How should I begin this?
Another x-mas has passed me by. Another year in this stinking, god-forsaken sewer of a world. Another twelve months of agony, trying to face humanity with dignity and grace, and barely keeping it all together only to show the world a mask of indifference. Another three-hundred and sixty-five days of searching for an angel's face in humanity's broken statuary, only to find the pain of others which either equals or exceeds my own. Some of that pain I manufactured for them, and some of it was manufactured - tailor-made just for me.
No...
I can't begin this piece of prose like that. I may want to. I may need to. Hell, I might even bullshit myself into thinking that there's no other way...
...but there is another way.
ya better watch out... ya better not cry...
Sometimes it's difficult to know who your friends are in this place. Sometimes, it's even more difficult to see them.
I've destroyed myself so many times.
It's like peeling back the layers of a rancid, rotten orange, looking for good fruit and finding only filth more rotten than the crap you've thrown away beneath each putrid layer. Maybe my tenacity has finally paid off. Maybe there's actually something in me worth saving.
This past weekend I hit total and absolute rock-bottom in my soul. I destroyed anything and everything that Michael Rogers was. I set out to do it. It was deliberate. I ingested more poison into me than I ever thought possible - beer, liquor, capped it off with a couple of sleeping pills, and fell into my usual Saturday night weekend coma. By the end of it, I'd forgiven a very old wrong - an enemy whom I never stopped loving like a brother. I made my peace with him in a deadend fog of guilty, I don't know what. It was the beginning of purging out poison in my soul.
For the first time in a long time, I'm hearing the narrative voice in my head that compells me to write.
I'm writing again...
I heard the voice of another friend, trying to talk reason to me. I heard it too late Saturday night, but its resonance stayed with me, and I still heard it when I woke up Sunday night. Maybe it wasn't too late after all. Rob, dude - thank you for everything.
I heard another voice today, one I conversed with for hours - the kind of silly shit that only makes sense when you've found a true friend. Maria, if you've ever believed that I helped you through a difficult time - you helped me through the same time just as much, and I thank you for it. You're not only a good person, you're the best person. Please, don't ever lose sight of that, no matter who it is trying to tell you anything different.
I'm some one who's always looking for an angel. I'm always looking to see something miraculous. I'm always looking for a reason to believe in humanity, and whatever's beyond it. Maria, through your strength and conviction, you've taught me to look inward for it, and I think I may've found it. Not enough to purge away and give anything up, but enough to hang on and hope for a tomorrow that I felt would never come. I'm not looking for angels anymore, I'm looking for reason - for answers to questions I was either too afraid to ask, or I believed had no resolutions. I'd always felt that hope was a dangerous thing to have in my life, because it would always inevitably lead to disappointment. You taught me it's a cool thing to have, a good way to be, and I can only hope I can live up to the resilliant example you've shown me.
I'd always maintained that I was here in this life to learn a lesson of humility. I think I just might get it now...
X-mas was something of a disappointment. I'm never too concerned with what people get me. For me, it's more about what I can get for them. The people I give gifts to are the most important people I know. I got my mom a DVD recorder, and the damned thing doesn't work. Taking it back should prove fun...
It was disappointing for me to say the least...
I'm glad the cell phone worked, at least...
In turn, mom got me like a year's supply of JOOP!, which, of course, I'm eternally grateful for. She also got me a deck of tarot cards based on the works of Leonardo Da Vinci - which should prove interesting to work with.
Plus a whole mess of other stuff...
Rob was cool enough to pick me up a gift card for Best Buy, which I'm glad can be used online. I don't get out and shop much anymore. I do ninety-percent of my shopping online these days. It's just so much damned easier. Thanks Rob, the gift card might get me a new DVD player. The one I got last year around this time is starting to go weird on me. It's cheap. It was a cheap gift from an even cheaper employer I'd worked for at the time.
I'd also like to thank my aunt and uncle who sent me some x-mas cash - I used it to buy myself some new silver rings - including a sapphire set in silver. It's my birthstone. I've always wanted to own one, now I do. Thank you...
ice house
I've also found a new hobby...
Anyone who knows me knows how much the Roman Empire fascinates me. I have a couple of Roman coins that I carry around with me as good luck pieces.
Anyway...
While fumbling around Google looking for a good way to clean them, I stumbled across a whole group of people who get uncleaned Roman coins from dig sites in Europe and clean 'em up. Dude, the whole idea just sings to me. I love it. I've ordered some to give it a shot. They cost a little more than a buck a piece, and I dunno...
I love the coins I have so damned much, to own a little piece of the empire like that is endlessly fascinating to me. I want to just pursue it even further.
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